Monday, 2 September 2013

fear; /fi(ə)r/

having too much time on hand is really a bad thing. i have all the time in the world to think about meaningful (less) stuff, to let my mind wander in circles till now, its just clumped up in one big mess. originally, i thought these 7 weeks of doing nothing could be a place where i could seek refuge and solace, when i could do what i wanted to do at my own pace, own timing, when i really could take a break from anything and everything.

turns out i may be wrong. well, right to a certain extent.

i blogged about this before, talking about not knowing about what i wanna do in the future. the more time i have, the more i'd think about it. the more occurring dreams i get. the more afraid i'd get.

i'm terrified of what the future may behold. all this time since secondary school, i knew i wanted to study business. during open houses and while i was looking through the courses polytechnics offered, i zoomed straight to business. it was all business, business, business. i thought it was... the right way out. the easy way out. the it-will-definitely-guarantee-you-a-job way out. i thought it was the only way out. i didn't give myself a chance to venture to other options and consider what i really liked doing.

and i'm afraid that i made the wrong choice studying business. not that i ever regretted joining dbid - honestly it has been one of the best 1.5 years of my life, and another 1.5 to come - but academic wise, i'm not so sure that this is what i'm cut out to do.

business modules. calculations. accounting. economics. no. just a big big no. i don't do well in these modules, heck i don't even enjoy studying them. it's just a chore and a module i have to take to get through the semester. to me, education shouldn't just be about what i have to do to get my grades. it should be about really learning something and actually enjoying what i do. to find joy in studying and learning about things. it should never get to the stage when i skip class, not do any tutorials, completely not know what is being taught in lectures and basically only go for class for attendance. or skip if i can.

i'm so scared 

that i'll never be able to make it to the U
that i'll never find my calling in life
that i'm just wasting time and money

these past few days, i've started to look at design schools in universities. one that caught my attention was the photography degree from NTU. today after talking to gene over brunch, i got to looking at photography degrees. the one that impressed me the most was the photography degree in ASU in the states. there was just something about it that attracted my attention the whole time.

the world may be big and broad out there, but there are things pulling me back from that place with photography. my grades suck, and i don't have the confidence and belief that my work is of a certain standard. that standard might just be that low. and to study abroad, it's a hell lot of money involved. i'm so worried that once i tell my parents that i don't want to do business after all, if i want to go to design school and study Arts and photography, they object against it. or if they don't, and IF they ever send me to study abroad, there is that big fear that i'll let them down if i don't do well. that all the money invested in my education will go to waste. that time spent there will go to waste. that maybe, just maybe, it isn't what i want to do either.

i'm scared that design school will turn what i love
to something i loathe

photography is what makes me happy. its what i love. the joy i get from it can't be explained with words alone. those who understand, they understand. pictures that i take don't really go up on this space cos i'm just too lazy to upload them and i'm just talking and talking and talking about whatever i feel like here.

i'm afraid to pursue a degree like this. i don't want to degrade my love for photography to something i have to do to earn a living and just because (if i ever) i have a degree in photography. over the past few hours, i've been reading and researching non-stop on photography degrees. i realised that what i know now is simply just not enough at all. its nothing much as compared to all the famous photographers with stunning portfolios out there. it makes me want to learn more. but..... i came across something. a debate on whether a degree in photography is necessary or not. photographers, no matter having good or bad skills, start out as hobbyists. but how many of these hobbyists turn into actual artists? how much of a requirement is it to be a professional artist to succeed and be recognized? in singapore, i know its gonna be tough to break through the art industry. after all, it is THAT small.

side track: i just find myself gravitating so much towards fine art photography. its such a breathtaking type of art. the kind that you'd find on walls in cafes, museums, or even at home. the kind that can possibly bring you to another world just by looking at a photograph. if i were to specialise in one area, it'll be that. fine art photography.

the biggest fear of them all;

my most recent dream that left me in tears when i woke up. leaving the people i love most behind. leaving where i call home, and walking off alone to a completely foreign country where i would then really be alone. i can't leave this place behind, the people, not for a few years. there are just too many factors attaching me to this island i call home.

if i don't leave, 
if people start leaving instead. 

wouldn't it have a reflection of my fear? if i remain here with the things close to my heart, while the people i love and care about start leaving instead? i know it's gonna be painful. and i'm scared.

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